I may hate myself in the morning
by cedarrapidsgirl78
Summary: Just a little Hawkeye/Trapper reflection piece. I may have posted it on here before, but I couldn't find it. So here it is. Hawkeye/Trapper slash.


I may hate myself in the morning

**A/N #1-I went to find this on here, so I could post it elsewhere, and I couldn't find it. Thinking back, I may have posted it here before, but took it down for some reason, whatever. So yeah. I wrote this forever ago, I still like it. Hope you do too. Hawkeye/Trapper. **

**A/N #2-The words in italics are from the song "I may hate myself in the morning," by LeeAnn Womack. I was going to try to write this song straight, and non-slash implied, but I just couldn't. My slash muse just kept at it until I wrote it. The slash isn't majorly explicit, but majorly implied. I like it now, and think it's pretty good. But I want to hear from you, people! Thanks!**

_**  
**__Ain't it just like one of us  
To pick up the phone and call after a couple drinks_

It was late. Or early, depending on your point of view. Any way you look at, it was always in the wee hours of the morning, and one or both parties had consumed a fair amount of alcohol. Every couple months or so, the call would come, and someone would be woken up by the phone.

"Hullo?" A sleepy voice answers.

"Hey." The voice is recognized instantly.

_Say how ya been I've been wondering if maybe you've been thinking 'bout me_

A pause. "Ya busy?"

It's a stupid question, considering it's 2 a.m., and the rest of the sane world is sleeping. But of course one of us wouldn't be asleep, 'cause neither one of us are sane. We're crazy, ya about each other, but no one can know. Because us loving each other like we do is crazy, too. But not a good crazy. It's an oh-my-God-what-is-the-matter-with-you-don't-you-know-you-are-going-straight-to-hell crazy. That's why the calls come early in the morning, 'cause then no one will find out. It's the only time we can be honest about our feelings.

_  
And somewhere in the conversation  
An old familiar invitation always arrives_

"Nah. Just layin' here. Ya wanna come over?" He already knows the answer coming.

"Yeah. I'll be there in a bit."

"Okay. Be careful."

_I may hate myself in the morning  
But I'm gonna love you tonight_

Trapper hung up the phone and got up. He made his way out to the living room and turned on a small light. He went over to the cabinet and poured himself a drink. This time it was at his place. Sometimes it was at Hawkeye's place. They were both single again, and both were living on their own. Louise had left Trapper not too long after he got home. She had known for years about all his affairs with other women, and had had enough. She didn't know about his one affair with a man, thank goodness. He would have lost more than he did if she'd found out. He'd never see his kids, and would have lost not only his job, but his career. He'd never practice medicine again. So he had to keep his true life and love a secret.

Trapper sat down on the couch with his drink and in the dim light thought about Hawkeye. Hawkeye was kind of in the same boat. He'd moved to Boston not quite a year ago. Instead of a wife lost, it was his dad. While Hawk didn't have any kids, the heightened career risk was just as high as it was for him. That is why they met secretly, furtively. That is why Trapper was sitting in almost dark, waiting for him.

_Everyone's known someone that they just can't help but want  
Even though we just can't make it work out  
Well the want to lingers on_

They both wished that they could be honest. Not with each other, because they already were that. They mean with the rest of the world. They wish they could live together. Not just as friends, but more. The two doctors discussed it, but knew it couldn't happen. Too much temptation, risk. It wouldn't look right. They could live together in Korea, but not in Boston. Korea was a different time, place, situation. Over there, being roommates was okay. But not in the real world.

_So once again we wind up in each other's arms pretending that it's right  
I may hate myself in the morning  
But I'm gonna love you tonight_

A knock on the door, and then it opens. Hawkeye has his own key. That's a privilege you can do with people you trust.

"Hi."

"Hi. Look, I'm sorry to bother you so late, but-"

Trapper smiled. "I've told you before, you're not bothering me, Hawk. Besides, I've bothered you plenty. Now come here and have a drink." He held out a glass. They sat for a while, talking, drinking, reminiscing. Soon, things progress. Feelings get stronger, unrestrained, uncontrolled, uninhibited.

_I know it's wrong  
But it ain't easy moving on_

Both of them dated their fair share of women. They had to keep up the facade. Hawkeye Pierce and Trapper John McIntyre, two of the biggest ladies men in Boston. And Korea. And everywhere in between. But the thoughts deep inside were always for someone else. Someone forbidden. But that don't make you love them any less._  
So why can't two friends  
Remember the good times once again_

It feels just like old times. Times when nobody judged them, cared about what they did behind closed doors. Maybe it was the conditions. The blood, death, destruction, chaos, the asinine way lives were taken and turned upside down and inside out. They knew each other, they understood each other. They were there for each other when no one else was.

_Tomorrow when I wake up I'll be feeling a little guilty, a little sad  
Thinking how it used to be before everything went bad_

Trapper woke up too early for how late he'd been up the night before. Sunlight streamed through the blinds in the bedroom. Daylight, he thought. Now they both have to go out into the world and act what people think is "normal." What if Hawk and I want to be normal, but we also want to quit living this lie. Having to live like freaking vampires, just so _we_ can feel normal. Maybe someday. But not today.

_I guess that's what is  
In lonely late night calls like this that we try to find  
I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight_

Trapper looked over at his lover, off in dreamland, with all being right with the world. He evoked a bundle of contradictions in Trapper. He loved him so much, yet he hated him so much at the same time.

"Come on, Hawk. Time to get up and face the day."

_I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight  
__  
_


End file.
